The Tip of My Brain

It feels like I have so many ideas. Ideas for the church, ideas for the future, ideas for love. They're jammed in my brain, really log-jammed. Waiting for some forcefield to open and let the ideas rush out like a river freed from its dam. The ideas are basically on the tip of my brain. I know what they are, somewhere deep inside myself, but I can't seem to clearly articulate, for myself or others, what the ideas are. 

This log-jam of ideas, what is the remedy? How do I release the river? How do I access the deep reaches of the full knowledge and experience of my past to put together some coherent and well-developed ideas for the church of today?

I'm almost like the Dead Sea at times, I become so lifeless in my ministry because I have so much good I feel the potential of doing while I am really operating in this rut of how things have always been done. I want to identify:

1. What forcefield-dam is log-jamming the river of ideas and what causes it

2. What ideas are stuck in there

3. How do I develop and discover these ideas

This journal is just an adventure dive into my heart and mind.

1. What forcefield-dam is log-jamming the river of ideas and what causes the forcefield-dam to be there?

There are so many things that keep my ideas contained. One that always plagues me is a lack of self-confidence. I never trust my own ideas, partly because I hate conflict and being challenged is both very uncomfortable and really strikes my sense of self. I don't believe in myself very often, and when I do, usually there is an opposition from a myriad of sources that cause me to slow down. I need affirmation and assurance that I have some good or helpful idea or yearning, and when I don't sense that, I shrink back into my shell like a turtle.

Another is fear of being just another attention-seeker or televangelist type. I really really don't want to become something I dread so much. I want to have pure motives but I even moreso desire to be seen as someone with pure motives. My fear to not produce for myself manifests itself in a selfish addiction to be perceived as I want to be perceived while also not being who I believe I can be or want to be. What a paradoxical useless identity. I'm a little bit ashamed.

The forcefield-dam locks me into place usually by my own doing. An aspect of this is also believing I am not equipped or ready to take action. This probably has been reinforced by others telling me I'm not ready or capable, but now that I have a good amount of experience and a lot of academic and practical learning, I am plenty equipped. Somehow I still can convince myself I can't do something.

External forcefields contribute as well, ones I have no control over but can choose to actively work against. The big one for me is lack of willingness or desire in those I get to lead. I dream of being a pro sports coach! These people get to coach and inspire people who really want to be there, whatever their motivation is. They implement strategies and goals that everyone wants, sometimes I feel that those I work with could care less, it's the least of their priorities. That is extremely de-energizing.

If these things create the forcefield-dam, then: What ideas are stuck in my brain behind it?

I want people to know God and a re-imagined community defined by God. So many books, stories, and experiences have taught me. I feel like brainstorming a list is best here, with little detail:

• Communion as an actual meal that breaks down social barriers and re-builds a kingdom-centric community
• Creative prayer
• Practical life skills + Jesus
• Kingdom Work!
• Hermeneutics
• Discipleship
• Food driven gatherings
• Church Curator
• Christian Formation
• Culture Engagement
• Subversive actions that are founded on Jesus not politics
• Brian McLaren's Love Curriculum
• Removing stigmas (even though some seem deserved)
• Story-sharing and story-hearing
• Prayer Practices
• Liturgy
• Equipping the church in exciting ways
• Write my book!!!!
• Etc...

I have a lot of ideas, and this list has more detail behind it but many ideas have a lot of forming and development needed. How do I develop and discover these ideas?

I believe in contemplation a lot, and I have gotten away from it. I need to fast from the rut my office and desk can get me trapped in. My creative juices get dehydrated of the living water when I only engage with them statically. I miss the community of seminary and the life-giving friendships of Wichita, who helped spring-board me to where I am today.

I need to practice contemplation more. Within this, ideas can find the voice of God. My kalimba, my journal, my Bible, these items help me find the presence of God. There is where I can develop and discover ideas.

I also need a refinement of trusted community of people also seeking a dam-destroying, forcefield-breaking church. Seminary got my blood jumping for ministry but sometimes bogged down with assignments, here I am accomplished and free of that, and it's time to again jolt my energy for church.

There are so many ideas on the tip of my brain. I only hope I don't let them waste away in my brain. I want to try, I want to dream, I want to act. I just don't know what leap to make or what this passion is for or aimed at or even wants to do. I need community with drive and hope, and I need the harp of Elisha. 

I want to be a guide for others to God's presence and the new wonders and joy God has for us. How to do it is on the tip of my brain, I can't yet exactly find it...